Dépaysement is a French word that holds a very powerful meaning, one concerning that disorientation we might in certain occasions feel, upon change. Languages tend to be funny like that, being some terms, feelings or situations only described to perfection by words in specific languages, while many others are unable to provide that blissful explanation for those feelings we might be dealing with at times.
I have come to realize that having no term that can put into words exactly what we might be feeling, can be very frustrating. It creates a big disconnection between our hearts and our mind. Being able to name what we go through, can sometimes help process things better since it tends to be easier to deal with those feelings we understand. Today I wanted to give you an exact term for a feeling that I am sure you have dealt with more than once, one that maybe you have not been able to put into words until now, one that I hope will help you heal better in the future if you ever need it.
Dépaysement is a word that I have felt quite often in my life. One that talks about the breakage of the habits we have acquired by living in a specific place, as we create new habits in a new environment. It also means the disorientation that comes with those changes, making us feel strange, lost and sad like we somehow do not belong, like we are somehow "foreign", not just by our passport, but also as people, as souls. That feeling telling you to run away fast, in the other direction, because you should have never been there, to begin with.
The feelings expressed by this word are powerful. Feelings I am sure you might be quite familiar with if you have ever dared to live abroad or gotten out of your comfort zone, especially when doing it completely alone. Feelings that could be quite obvious at times, in a country like Korea, with traditions and a culture that can be so different from our own for many of us. I remember getting similar feelings many times before, whenever I was stepping away of my comfort zone and especially on this last trip in which I moved to Korea. Those were exactly my feelings during many of my first months here and to be honest how I still feel at times, even nowadays.
I still remember how I got here, after a very long day of traveling. Having embarked on my plane with a big mix of feelings, tears on my eyes after having to leave my friends and family behind one more time, but also halfway in between freaked out and excited about the new adventure I was about to start. Restless not knowing if things were going to work out or if in fact, I might just be wasting my time. Considering if I might be making a big mistake or if I would be happy and have no regrets with everything I was about to start.
I remember it as if it were yesterday, arriving at my rented location after a very tough day and almost 2 days of traveling, since I left my home, Madrid. Arriving half-frozen into a new goshiwon that I had to book last-minute because the one I had booked, was so cold and dirty that I could not stay there. My first hours in Korea were already, at the least challenging, and having to move around with tons of luggage on the freezing cold in search of a new place did not help boost my confidence. My new place was much more expensive and smaller, but my positive self decided to put a smile on herself and judge the situation with an "at least it is clean and warm".
I remember entering through the door and leaving my luggage, as I best could. Piling one on top of the other on the floor. With only enough strength left to sit on the tiny bit of space left on that small "shoebox" that was about to be my home for the next two months. It was something that even though felt very depressing at the time I now regard some kind of nostalgia as a not so bad memory, of my life in Korea.
I remember sitting shivering, trying to get warmed up by floor heating system. Just sitting there with my knees bent touching the wall and my back against the piled-up suitcases, feeling hungry, tired, overwhelmed and suffocated without enough physical space to move. I took my phone out to check the time and saw my screen saver, a picture with some of my friends on it. We were smiling happily and at that exact moment, feeling like it had all been too much, I just broke into tears. Letting them roll silently down my cheeks and restlessly wondering if l had done the right thing, or if I had just made a big mistake and should have just stayed with what I knew.
During the time prior to my trip and especially after getting into the plane I had been constantly pondering on the consequences. I wondered if I was being selfish for leaving the ones I love behind, once again, just to go search for my dreams, I wondered if working in fashion and creating a life I was proud of, as I wished to do, was a big enough reason for not being able to be present when the ones I love might need me or if any hard situations might come along the way.
I wondered if I should just have settled with my life, as it was not bad, it was already "good enough". Especially considering how extremely lucky I should feel when comparing myself with many other people around the world. I have a great family, they might not be perfect but they are still a great family, I had food on my plate, a roof over my head, great friends, a job, maybe not the one I would love to have but still I had one…
I considered if, in an already difficult personal situation, I should have taken one more risk, making it maybe even worse for myself, without knowing it. Or if taking that risk and trying to go that extra mile was the right choice. I wondered if maybe, I also deserved to have something that made my eyes sparkle? And not just settle for anything, without fighting for my dreams first.
I wondered if I was doing the right thing. If the cost for my individual search for happiness could end up being as high as it sometimes can be. Truth to be told searching for my own happiness made me feel kind of selfish. What if something were to happen while I was not there or if I was unable to go back home on time? What about all the things that could go wrong or the things that I was going to miss on? All those gatherings, my family growing, my friends achieving goals… the life that I will miss, all those good and bad situations and perhaps even last opportunities that I didn't even know they were the last.
I am sure most of you have probably been in a similar situation. An inflection point into one's life, after choosing to take a 360-degree turn. And perhaps many of you, like myself, might still be trying to figure things out. While considering everything I was aiming to find my balance, how much should I compromise, how much was I allowed to risk, how much could I try to do to become happy, without hurting anyone, especially those whom I love the most, along the way. The exact place where my balance lays is something that still at times I have yet to find.
The first weeks here were very intense. Trying to get used to many things, from the weather to not being able to read, a completely foreign language, not knowing how much should things cost or even how much the money I was carrying was exactly worth.
I was trying to visit as much as I could when my schedule and the weather allowed it. And while exploring alone, I remember feeling cold and very lost, not really knowing where to eat nor how to order, but I also remember the excitement. The feeling of seeing everything for the first time, being mesmerized by even the tiniest things. Wanting to see, look and taste as much as I could. Wanting to carve everything in my mind like a picture, so I would never be able to forget those exact feelings.
This is probably one of the most addictive parts about traveling, especially when doing it by yourself, your new set of eyes. The way you look at everything as if you were looking at things for the first time.
Even the simplest things that we do not pay attention to in our own countries, can seem one again, completely and utterly special for a moment. That honest and pure reaction, just like the ones from children. The feeling of seeing the world as if you had just arrived on it, that is probably to this day still my favorite part about traveling.
That challenge but also newness are some of the things that have made me a nomad who has lived in 5 different countries. Yet even though the excitement, self-doubt is never out of the picture when you take big risks. And my first couple of weeks I was dwelling in just as much self-doubt as I was in excitement.
I kept on waking up exactly at 5 am, without the need for an alarm, which for those who know me know that it is a very extraordinary fact. Waking up disoriented and tired, I took those moments to talk to my loved ones, which made me miss them even more. They were all worried and asking me about how things were going, sending me words of encouragement but also pictures and words that made me at times want to take a plane straight back to "where I belonged".
One of those days, I received an email from my friend Laura, titled exactly like this entry, dépaysement, and I somehow knew it would hold the power to change the way I was looking at things.
I opened the email almost swallowing tears since I could feel the weight of the words by just reading the first sentence, and I was not wrong. My friend was mentioning how brave I was for always fighting for what I believe in, for trying to improve and learn new things every day and not just accommodate myself with what I already knew. She praised me for being daring, caring and strong, most of the things that I felt like I was lacking and was blaming myself for at the time.
Just like traveling to a place for the first time, she gave me a new set of eyes on my situation and the way I perceived myself. Helping me realize that everything is not always as we might see it or feel it and that we might just need those caring words to realize that. Different people have different thoughts, but it gave me the courage to know that someone I loved and cared for, was able to see those things in me, even when I was unable to see them for myself at the time. It made me proud to have chosen such beautiful and valuable friends that had my back even thousands of miles away. It made me feel thankful for having people I can count on even across the globe and it made my shoulders and chest sit a bit higher of what they had been for the first couple of weeks here.
This is important because, with this, I want to tell you not only that I am a fighter but that you are all fighters too. No matter how you might feel now or at certain times, you are fighters. Strong souls that had enough courage to get out of their comfort zones, follow those dreams, go live and learn somewhere else where things might not always have been easy, but where we still have the potential to build greatness. Because greatness does not lay in a specific place, greatness is inside of you.
And this is dedicated to all that greatness I see out there. To all of you, myself included, for those moments of despair, sadness or frustration, for those moments when you were lost in translation when you faced hardships and you did not really know what to do. For all those times when you questioned if you had made the right decision or if you should have just stayed "where you belonged" without risks.
Yet also for those moments in which you find yourself laughing at the top of your lungs and you can feel the happiness coming out of every inch of your skin, for those moments when you conquer a situation that you had not been able to overcome before and you realize that you are stronger and more capable than you though. Because at that same instant, everything becomes worth it.
This piece about dépaysement is also dedicated to all my friends and family that stand behind me every step I take. Also to those friends that I made here, the ones that have stayed and the ones that left and to those who might be suffering from dépaysement themselves, being back at home again, because the truth is that you can also feel disoriented and out-of-place at "home" too.
So, if you ever feel that dépaysement, that disorientation where you might feel hurt and lost, I want to give you those encouraging words that will make you curl your fists and look up. Keeping your head straight with enough energy, to conquer the world. I want you to know that no matter where you are, we all feel like that at times. I want you to know that you are not alone, wherever you might be, even when you might feel completely and utterly lonely also when surrounded by oceans of people.
I want you to know that what you might have been feeling is dépaysement. And to those who have dared go somewhere else to live, I want to tell you that just like everybody else does, you might feel sad at times, but at one point it will all make sense. At one point you will realize how somehow it was all worth it, because of all the things you have learned, because of being able to prove yourself, because of the things that you have seen and experienced but overall because you will never be the same.
Dépaysement will change you. You have probably already changed, but I want to assure you that change is a good thing. You have created a bigger and broader soul for yourself, through that dépaysement you might have created beautiful memories or experienced new things. And you will also have learned about all those things that once were hard and might not have gone as you wanted them to, but somehow ended up bringing you to where you were meant to be.
For all that, my dear fighter, I want to tell you to be proud of yourself. To stand tall. You have conquered many battles and you will conquer many more. All while looking at the world from a whole new perspective, which is already something that not everyone can do. And if you ever come across dépaysement again, do not worry. Know that one day those feelings will not be a dépaysement anymore, they will be a new you.
And until then I am sending you much love and light, love and courage to strengthen your heart and light to brighten up your path.
Lorena
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