Dear 2018 :
Today is the last day of 2018, a year that seemed to come around just yesterday as a brand new time, filled with expectations, excitement, dreams, and desires to experience. I started 2018 with many dreams, goals, and desires and I imagine you did too. Eyes sparkling at the thought of all the amazing things yet to come.
It turns out 2018 went by like a blink and it is already about to leave us in the next couple of hours. Beginnings and ends are always thrilling, they bring this energy that you can feel all the way from your gut to your toes. Expectations brimming with possibilities, but also some sort of mixed feeling like any other time in which something is about to end.
In my case, I am happy for all the things I experienced. The good, but also the ones that might not have seemed so good at the time. I am proud of everything accomplished. Even those things that once upon a time I might have deemed as a failure. I came very far in many areas of my life, my relationships, my work, my dreams, and aspirations, but especially in my relationship with myself.
There is always something, sad, fearful, and yet exciting when things are about to end. Sad to see some things might never come back and scared to see all those things we believed to be true shake underneath our feet. In the end, also exciting because now there are new possibilities. Yet, like many, I can not help to also feel a tiny bit of regret knowing that maybe I could possibly have done much, much more, if I had just discovered some things sooner…
This is, even to my own heart a complete paradox. Because at the same time I kind of wish I could have done all those things, but I also know that those “unachieved goals” and everything they bring with them, might have been exactly what I needed and the path that I had to walk down at this time of my life. The path that will lead me to where I am supposed to be later on.
At the beginning of this year, I decided to make a big switch and let my life flow, taking the things that I get and make the best of what I have. And releasing any hopes of control in all events and circumstances, because heads up trying to control life does not work very well.
Instead of feeling a prisoner of my situations and blaming them while staying powerless and unable to choose, this year I have been learning to take everything with a grain of salt. Sometimes with humor, sometimes with a big smile, sometimes with slight anger or frustration and sometimes just with the peaceful feeling that whatever happens everything will be ok at some point and that the “trouble” is just there to teach me something.
This change in attitude was not because my life is perfect or because we have to be positive all the time, but because whatever happens now does not define the ending outcome. It does not define you, your worth, your value or your ability to do things and be happy. Only you have power over that and it is at the end of the day your decision to take it or not.
Instead of being extremely hard on myself, something that was very common for me in the past, though this year I have been learning to be nicer to myself. Learning not to take circumstances as failures even when they did not work at all as I had originally wished them to. I have learned to take them as tries and lessons, knowing that the next best thing could be around the corner. Or that this downstep might be guiding me in the right path without me even knowing it.
With the years, I have come to realize that some of my best qualities or happiest memories all came from some things that at the time seemed like moments of regret, failure, hurt, or despair.
That person that might have hurt me as a child also through all that hurt taught me how to have love, empathy, and care for others, instead of hurting them. That apartment that I did not get, led me to meet some of the best people of my whole year abroad, living beautiful and exciting experiences. That job that I desperately wanted and did not get, gave me the time to work on myself and learn that there are actually bigger things that I wished to accomplish. That person who broke my heart made it perhaps a bit scared but that much bigger after it healed, and giving the space for the right people to come in.
Bad things and failures tend to become very subjective with time and for that this year I have been trying to let go of the self-put weight on my shoulders and strive to be better, happier, braver, shinier, more loving, more caring, more talented... all those things and many more yet all from a place of love and respect for myself and others.
Leaving out the big expectations and focusing on learning through those experiences. We never stop learning, growing, changing, and we will never reach perfection, but that does not mean we should not search for improvements. Aim to become better without hate, without expectations, but from a place of self-acceptance and love. Following this path this year, these are some of the things that I have learned, or I keep on relearning every day, that I hope can help you too ❤️
I am enough, you are enough, we all are enough. It is great to want to become better, but know you do it to improve, not because there is currently something wrong with who you are.
Hurt people hurt others, happy people empower them. If someone hurts you do not take it personally, forgive, learn, evaluate your actions and let it go. Resentment only hurts you, we forgive for our sake, not theirs.
Do not be a victim of the circumstances. Yeah, sh** happens, but it is our choice if you put it aside and keep on walking or to throw yourself into that pile of crap and keep dwelling on it.
Do not shrink yourself to make others comfortable, out of fear of being judged, because of taking too much attention, or for not fitting in. Be true to yourself, life is too short to live it as someone else. It is good to make others comfortable, but it is better to inspire them to also shine as bright as you choose to do.
If you want something, go for it. It is better to live with a “no” than lifelong lasting regret. There are more possibilities for “yes” than you would have ever thought and the no´s can also make pretty hilarious stories.
Treat yourself, your values and your body with respect. There is only one you, you have only one body and if you love yourself you will have a lifelong relationship. The most important of them all. And by valuing and loving yourself you are also setting an example for others on how to do it too, not only for you but also for themselves as well.
Do more of what makes you happy, but accept the bad days too. Feelings are there to make you aware of something, do not push them away. Learn to enjoy, appreciate and learn from both good and bad too.
Be happy every day. Not because life is perfect, not because you should be positive all the time, not because you have to feel good every day, but because if you live your choices you can always find at least a reason to be happy and thankful for.
The pictures in this article are from a shoot taken by lovely and extremely talented photographer Katya Ilina and here you can see her photography portfolio.
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